A Personal Revival

Scott called me today and asked what I was doing and I said, “Oh just having a personal revival.” He laughed and said, “That's good cutie!”

My mind is turning over some DEEP things. Join me if you like. Eventually I'll be able to sum it up, but for now, this is me swimming in ocean.

 

This year started with me having a real clear call to work on the way people pleasing looks in my life with this uncomfortable word “codependence”. I want to uncover what codependence looks like in my life: people pleasing, avoiding, perfectionistic tendencies…

 

I am doing a step study. I feel like I hang at “The Breakfast Club”. It's one of the best things I've done for my personal growth and healing and I'm just scratching the surface.

 

 

Overcoming perfectionism finding a path to joy. 

 

I'm not sure what happened… was I trying so hard to be sure everyone is safe and loved especially my kids. Ultimately I wanted to make sure I was safe and loved. Curt Thompson (one of my favorite authors and therapists) talks about our need to feel safe, soothed, seen, and secure. Raising my hand! YES!    

 

As parents we see our kids face mean messages and bullies. I've taken time to dive into my own trauma, dredge it up, and try to heal. It feels like I took my heart that was wounded and covered in bruises and pus, a festering wound, and put it in my ribcage, covered it with cement, locked it up. Breaking into that is no joke! 

Things that have helped me: Women Revealed, Soul Beauty, Liminal, Soul Circles, Shadow Work Basic Training, Carpet Work, Tools, IFS - HUGE HELP, Stewart my IFS therapist is a God send, Step Study on Co Dependance, Equilibrium, GOD, the Holy Spirit, Hikes, Worship Music, My family, and friends doing their own work along side me. These travelers are going shoulder to shoulder and because they do their work they can speak into mine and call me on how I'm showing up, give me grace and truth and big challenges to go over the next hurdle. The work is so freaking hard and so good. I guess I never thought my heart could heal, I thought I just needed to protect it.

 

What I have learned is Jen at 5 years old didn't have a ton of resources, but Jen of 47 can minister to 5 year old Jen and help her heal with God's help (3 year old Jen, 16 year old Jen… lots of Jen's that could use a word).

 

 

There was a time that ignorance really was bliss. 

 

I don't want to put a blindfold on. I don't want to look away. I want to live with my eyes wide open. 

But now I see. I feel like I have over exposure, my eyes are wide open.

Here are a few examples:

I'm so far into church… once I had a heart for the lost and broken. (I get lost and broken… that's how I came to Jesus.) I learned to love people especially lost and broken people. 

Over exposure: Now: I am so far in the church I see the business of church, the sin of leaders like a dormant virus, I see my own sin and the effects on my family, I know some talented guys who love God and have sinned against women and really hurt them in their sin… and they still love God and God still uses them and loves them.

I see the business of church. I currently travel around the US going to different denominations and see the business side of church. Each place thinks they are “right”, they all dress like everyone else in their “tribe”, they are mostly men… 

 

and what do I hear God saying to me? Jen I want you to love the my people, my people in “the church”, the body of Christ, yep, with your eyes wide open to the ultimate mess. This is taking my growth to a new level… As in: See that yes, there is sexual sin like a virus here, and there is greed like a virus here, and there are serious demonic voices coming agains things here, and…..I want you to love my people, the lost and broken in and outside of the kingdom of God. My honest response is “I'll take the whale.” I choose Jonah's way. No thanks. I don't like this one bit. But… Yes, LORD, I will keep showing up. Lord you have shown me too much, my heart hurts, my brain is in the deep, my soul is crushed, my community is gone…

I think of David peeping on Bathsheba, probably raping her, getting her pregnant with Solomon, killing her husband…I think of Joseph, thrown in a ditch and left for dead by his big bros, I think of Esther on the first Bachelor and all that was required of her and I'm reminded that God uses a motley crew. I keep thinking I don't want “Hitler Church”… so man made cleaned up place… and also… this is hard.

 

I've always been a big Ephesians 2:8-9 gal. It's by grace you have been saved through faith, a gift, not earned. So I always wanted to back off with the religious rules. Now I'm wondering, does any leader have any character around here?

 

This week God reminded me of this beautiful truth. Jen, I don't want you to be perfect. But, when I invite you to be holy as I am holy and to not idolize sin, it's not about winning approval, I'm inviting you to a way of life that leads to me. It's not a checklist for most liked or obedient humans… it's an invitation to a way that doesn't hurt people, it's what love looks like, it's an invitation to be blessed and a blessing. It's peace, it's contentment, it's the way of HOPE… my way.

 

At every destination I meet one person with whom I have an incredible conversation. This week I met Rueben David with Launch Asia. He said he walked in the hall and prayed and asked God who he should speak with and we met and talked for 30 minutes. He was telling me that his parents became Christ followers in the 70's in India. They were the first in their village and God revealed himself to them in dreams and visions! He said in India the demonic world and God's world is so close. He said, it's not if God exists, but which God is real or most powerful. I asked how they have learned to battle the Spiritual Warfare. He said they pray for 24 hours on Friday and ask God to show them who to talk to and then they go and talk to people. Like the woman at the well, God shows people He knows them, He is the one true God and they follow God. People walk for hours to hear about God. Church lasts all day because they want to know about God. As we talked we talked about distractions and he was saying how important it is to have God as our first LOVE.

 

When I was president of my sorority at the University of Colorado I was a BABY believer and follower of Jesus. I knew the spiritual warfare was intense so I prayed a lot, I knew I had to put a lot of GOD in me to face all that was going on around me. 

 

My step study is showing me sometime along the way of trying to raise God centered kids I got caught up in doing the right thing, training Godly character and decisions, and trying to manage everyone is safe, soothed, seen, and secure. I've been working real hard… and… become super self reliant. God showing me through this study that I can't work this out, I need God. Surrender again. Broken. At the end of me. White flag. God I need YOU. As in my efforts… are not enough. That's actually the message in my head… not enough, never enough. So, I try harder. I hear God saying, “Hey Jen, want to go another round, or you want to tap?” If you tap and surrender… I get to be God and I am a GOOD GOD. I've GOT YOU! I've GOT your KIDS and their future. I AM the WAY. I am full capable of being GOD. You can stop with your perfectionistic, people pleasing ways… I love you. I love your people. Do You TAP? I had the exhaust myself in my career and my parenting and my church service and my marriage and my daughtering… The step study reminded me… it's safe to TAP. GOD has you.

 

My high school friends have been massaging my heart. Inviting me into safe spaces with all of me. Jess told me at the Celebration of Life for Seth, I see you doing this thing where you are editing, deciding what to say or not, reading the room. I need you to remind your little girl she is safe and loved. She's safe here. I literally see you do it. Also, I need you to talk to Stewart about that, promise me you will. Okay? I have a tool I want to run you through next time we have time… I think it will help. Makes sense this is happening.

 

It'l almost like knowing more, is making me more insecure. Which is wild, because I used to be able to walk into any room. Now, it's like I walk in and my eyes are wide open and I over process. Reading the room has me paralyzed. 

 

I've been thinking it's like social media. We see so much, we want off it because we see so much. I thought, maybe it's social media? If I was off it would it help? If I didn't see it would I feel better. Is ignorance bliss? I am asking God to keep my eyes wide open and teach me to love. Teach me to love with my eyes wide open.

Can I learn to be uninvited and know I am worthy.

Can I see people more beautiful, and know I am fearfully and wonderfully made, beautiful in design.

Can I see people smarter than I am and know that I can ask God for wisdom and He will give me what I need.

Can I see poverty and not feel guilt, but be moved in compassion.

Can I see the sexual sin virus in our churches in our culture and love people and desire holy ways not for self righteousness, but for healing and goodness.

 

When I was in college and just beyond I LOVED worship music, I loved prayer, I loved my time in God's word… the battle was so fierce, I needed it. 

 

I find myself when I travel sometimes wishing for attention and admiration. That's a slippery slope that scares me, because I love my life and my husband. I was brave enough to just get real with God about it. I want to be wanted (seen). Here's what I heard God say, “Jen, I want to meet your needs. But, if you go to bed with Scott it's just you two. If you go on a date it's just TWO… for me to see you and for you to feel seen by me it needs to be JUST US.” I made a sticker that says, “Just us! Love, Jesus” It's my reminder that GOD wants intimacy with me. He's like I will LAVISH MY LOVE ON YOU if you just spend time with ME. (please stop with the people pleasing. You are running around exhausted… I WANT YOU. Give me your time and I'll give you the intimacy you crave.) SEEN. Are you afraid to get real with God? I am but I'm finding it's real good. 

 

I just finished a book by Ali Hazelwood called “Love Theoretically”. It's a spicy rom com about a scientist that has learned to be whoever everyone else needs her to be. I get that! Me too! It's such a sweet love story of her being loved for her. As I peel away the onion of codependence I feel free.

 

When Scott called today I decided that I am going to try to put a WHOLE LOT of GOD IN, because the battle is REAL. If God is going to have me love people in this hot mess, especially, His people, (like loving people close to us is sometimes harder than a stranger) I am going to need a LOT OF GOD. I listened to the bible on the blue letter bible app this morning. Lectio 365 twice and I blasted worship music… this is when Scott called and I explained I'm having a personal revival. WHY? Well, spiritual warfare is real around us, we are in desprate need of God, God is asking us to love His people and quite frankly, that sound like I'd choose the whale…BUT.. GOD… GOD teach me to love with my eyes wide open in your love, in your light, in your truth, in your mercy that covers all our sin… I TAP! I'm filling up on YOU. YOU are my HOPE. I don't want to show up scared, I want to show up in LOVE, for your people with my eyes wide open. Jesus HELP. Look out… Ain't No Joy like Jesus' JOY! This girl is finding her way back to JOY… eyes wide open, heart broken but full, scars, wounds, and over exposed… LORD set my heart on FIRE.

 

For us… I'm trying to share my whole story… dark parts and all. Praying you see the light of 

God carrying us through.