Scary Close
WELCOME to Page Turner Tuesday
2016 Book Club with Life in
a Larger Story
Scary
Close dropping
the act and finding true intimacy by Donald Miller
I am jealous of Donald Miller. He is a
deep writer who is easy to read, he's honest and his honesty is appealing. This
book follows suit. My buddy Natalie said she was enjoying this book so I jumped
on board. Natalie and I walk a few times a month and I thought it would add
vigor to our always-interesting conversations. Donald talks a lot about his
relationship with his wife in this book and I imagine we will reference his
times of selfish stubbornness and his battle to be known and give and receive
love. Betsy his wife seems like a strong woman who knows how to reach the heart
of a lion. Donald talks about his time in therapy, I wonder if I will ever have
the chance to visit the Tennessee ranch where he learned so much. They had some
very interesting ways to look at how you show up in this world, I know too have
much growing to do.
This idea of dropping the act and finding
true intimacy sounds amazing, amazingly challenging.
Here are a few of the quotes I enjoyed
from the book and why I liked them.
"The root systems of these lies we tell ourselves tend to grow together. It’s all connected with the belief human love is conditional. But human love isn’t conditional. No love is conditional. If love is conditional, it’s just some sort of manipulation masquerading as love."
I grew up thinking that my dad's love for me was conditional. I love this quote on conditional love. I think my dad wanted the best for me and the only way he knew to get me towards my best was by telling me what I can't do so I would prove him wrong. It was unhealthy and took it's toll on our relationship, but I did get good grades, become a good skier, learn how to stand up for myself and graduate college. I know he loved me, but our love had a rocky roads that I perceived as conditional.
"Grace only sticks to our imperfections. Those who can’t accept their imperfections can’t accept grace either."
Preach it. I think until I can admit my imperfections there is no place for Jesus or rich life amongst fellow humans.
"THE ROOT OF sin is the desire for control. I think there’s some truth to that. And I’d add the root of control is fear."
This quote reminds me of the book One Way Love. This book got me thinking about my desire for control as sin. Powerful and convicting.
"Henry Cloud told me, that when two people are entirely and completely separate they are finally compatible to be one. Nobody’s self-worth lives inside of another person. Intimacy means we are independently together."
Donald shares an analogy using pillows do describe the difference between co-dependent and independent relationships. I can't explain it, read it. It's a great way to think about how we are caring for those around us.
"Perhaps that’s another reason true intimacy is so frightening. It’s the one thing we all want, and must give up control to get."
The relationship between control and intimacy is fascinating. I think my mom modeled this well for me growing up by trusting me. I am sure this is the only reason my marriage is intimate. We are trying to love our kids this way too! I see control sabotage all kinds of relationships, the tighter the grip the colder the more deadly the relationship. True intimacy and giving up control is frightening on all accounts and rewarding!
"I am willing to sound dumb. I am willing to be wrong. I am willing
to be passionate about something that isn’t perceived as cool. I am willing to
express a theory. I am willing to admit I’m afraid. I’m willing to contradict
something I’ve said before. I’m willing to have a knee-jerk reaction, even a
wrong one. I’m willing to apologize."
The following quote is the kind of writer that I long to be, but I hold back. If I didn't hold back I'd tell you that I 'heard' that Donald Miller was a womanizer, he only dated beautiful women and he had a serious commitment issue. I find it ironic I'm reading a book about intimacy from such a man. He tied the knot and it seems he is addressing why it was so hard for him. Courageous or a paycheck, either way it's interesting and he has some valuable insight from one hider to another. Intimacy is not my strong suit. I'm terrified of criticism. If you 'drop the act' you are opening up to judgment. I like Donald Millers quote about speaking freely. I find it inspiring.
"The root systems of these lies we tell ourselves tend to grow together. It’s all connected with the belief human love is conditional. But human love isn’t conditional. No love is conditional. If love is conditional, it’s just some sort of manipulation masquerading as love."
I grew up thinking that my dad's love for me was conditional. I love this quote on conditional love. I think my dad wanted the best for me and the only way he knew to get me towards my best was by telling me what I can't do so I would prove him wrong. It was unhealthy and took it's toll on our relationship, but I did get good grades, become a good skier, learn how to stand up for myself and graduate college. I know he loved me, but our love had a rocky roads that I perceived as conditional.
Preach it. I think until I can admit my imperfections there is no place for Jesus or rich life amongst fellow humans.
"THE ROOT OF sin is the desire for control. I think there’s some truth to that. And I’d add the root of control is fear."
This quote reminds me of the book One Way Love. This book got me thinking about my desire for control as sin. Powerful and convicting.
"Henry Cloud told me, that when two people are entirely and completely separate they are finally compatible to be one. Nobody’s self-worth lives inside of another person. Intimacy means we are independently together."
Donald shares an analogy using pillows do describe the difference between co-dependent and independent relationships. I can't explain it, read it. It's a great way to think about how we are caring for those around us.
"Perhaps that’s another reason true intimacy is so frightening. It’s the one thing we all want, and must give up control to get."
The relationship between control and intimacy is fascinating. I think my mom modeled this well for me growing up by trusting me. I am sure this is the only reason my marriage is intimate. We are trying to love our kids this way too! I see control sabotage all kinds of relationships, the tighter the grip the colder the more deadly the relationship. True intimacy and giving up control is frightening on all accounts and rewarding!
The following quote is the kind of writer that I long to be, but I hold back. If I didn't hold back I'd tell you that I 'heard' that Donald Miller was a womanizer, he only dated beautiful women and he had a serious commitment issue. I find it ironic I'm reading a book about intimacy from such a man. He tied the knot and it seems he is addressing why it was so hard for him. Courageous or a paycheck, either way it's interesting and he has some valuable insight from one hider to another. Intimacy is not my strong suit. I'm terrified of criticism. If you 'drop the act' you are opening up to judgment. I like Donald Millers quote about speaking freely. I find it inspiring.
"“Oh,” Mark chuckled. “That wasn’t easy. But it was this single
decision I made early on: I decided I wouldn’t judge my kids. No matter what
they told me, I wouldn’t judge them. I might have to discipline them, but I
wouldn’t make them feel like lesser people for their mistakes. And because of
that, they learned to trust me with their deepest thoughts.”"
The next quote was fascinating parenting advice. I really struggle with not judging my family and making them feel like a lesser person. I am really good at the blame and shame game. I realized part of this is because I judge myself so harshly and my family is a separate extension of me. If I hate me, then somehow I hate them too. That statement brings tears to my eyes. I have learned a ton in the past 14 months about shame and it's grip on my life and I am working hard to get it under control. It's ugly, damaging, sinful and destructive. I'd like to talk to Mark about this, my face gives me away before I even have time to cover my judgment up. At the end of the day my judgments are just that, they are not truth, just my perspective. I think Mark has some powerful advice here.
"David didn’t try to impress people. He simply loved them."
This final quote is so good. Take a breath, read this quote. This is what love and life is all about. It's rich.
Final Thoughts...
I'm glad I read this book. It wasn't earth
shattering, but it was good. It will be good next time I am being crazy stubborn
that Natalie can tell me I'm acting like Donald when he and Betsy were picking
out their house. She can remind me to stop trying to impress people and love
them. She can even ask me if I'm willing to put myself out there and be wrong.
She can ask me if I'm willing to apologize and if I've been throwing down shame
and blame lately.
I wonder what you would get out of this book. If you read it
I'd love to hear your favorite quotes and why you enjoyed them.
The next quote was fascinating parenting advice. I really struggle with not judging my family and making them feel like a lesser person. I am really good at the blame and shame game. I realized part of this is because I judge myself so harshly and my family is a separate extension of me. If I hate me, then somehow I hate them too. That statement brings tears to my eyes. I have learned a ton in the past 14 months about shame and it's grip on my life and I am working hard to get it under control. It's ugly, damaging, sinful and destructive. I'd like to talk to Mark about this, my face gives me away before I even have time to cover my judgment up. At the end of the day my judgments are just that, they are not truth, just my perspective. I think Mark has some powerful advice here.
This final quote is so good. Take a breath, read this quote. This is what love and life is all about. It's rich.
Final Thoughts...
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