At the risk of becoming even more independent, it's been on my heart this year to dive into learning how codependency shows up in my life. My friend Shannon on a long walk taught me this saying from steps 1-3 and I refer back to it often "I can't, God can, maybe I should let Him try."
I'm starting with a Step Study at Flatirons and hoping to make it to SH!FT too. I will join the codependency group here's the definition of this group for the Flatirons Sh!ft website:
Codependence: To help individuals learn how to be less affected by what other people say, think, or do and to learn healthy ways of processing circumstances to maintain a God-centered life. (The group addresses people pleasing, avoiding conflict, controlling and manipulative behavior, and an unhealthy dependence on relationships and/or desire for perfection.)
Meanwhile I am reading "Never Enough" When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic - And What We Can Do About It by Jennifer Breheny Wallace.
The Step Study uses "The Power of Brokenness the language of healing making healthy choices that change our lives, hearts and families" by Glen Kerby and Jim McCraigh and "The Life Recovery Bible".
I just sat down to start the Step Study and as I'm working my way through I feel like I am experiencing a personal revival.
Denial = Death
Here is a brief part of my story I recently wrote for a video for a women's conference. Just saying this makes me feel naked and exposed. I am very comfortable in the world of denial. We didn't talk about these things or give them names, titles, or acknowledge what they were. I'm a comfortable sweep-it-under-the-rug-gal and pull yourself up by your bootstraps, do it yourself woman.
Jess always asks me why I don't share my story? I am comfortable with it in the shadows, in the past where it belongs. When I first came to Christ at 21, I'd say as a child I was curious about God, drawn in, lured by His love and provision. As an early teen I needed God as my Savior. At 21 I declared Christ to be my LORD and Savior. Not just the spare tire, but God was at the helm of my life. I wanted to serve God not money and I needed to know that the blood of Jesus cleansed me from all unrighteousness. After that I learned to follow in the ways of the Kingdom life.
When my oldest turned twelve I learned that I needed to do some personal work in order to not get in the way of my own parenting. If she was responding at a 10 and I was also, now two of us had an issue and I was sucked in and couldn't help. So, I started working on me, so I could be available to walk alongside with out being in the middle of the trials of parenting teens.
Scott went first to crucible. I went next to Women Reviled, Soul Beauty, Shadow Work Basic Facilitator Training, Trauma Therapy, Liminal, and now Step Study and Shift. I read a lot of books and my favorite are by Curt Thompson. I walk with people who continue to do their work and help others find life, freedom, and joy in Christ.
Today, I can see as a mark of a personal spiritual revival. At twenty one I started to follow Christ. I was a new creation in Christ. In these middle years I started to carry a lot. I see how fear and anxiety, control and a relentless desire to perfection and do things in the ways of God to make my life matter have taken a strong root. I don't think this is bad in itself, but there has been a shift in my personal well being. I feel exhausted, not enough, and unworthy. Something has been robbing me of the joy of living free in Christ.
I just had an ah-ha moment. I think denial is the way of death, that has me bogged down.
Oh no religion crept up on me. I've been trying to be good. That's exhausting. I've been wanting my family to do that too... which leads to a never good enough way of life. That's death. Something in there is in the definition of codependency. I also have tried on success in a career. I found it was atainable, exhausting, and it too much time from my life.
Once again I have found myself at the end of myself. "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." Romans 7:18 NIV.
It's at this beautiful place of brokenness, at the end of myself in religion, the end of myself in my career, the end of myself in relationships, that again I can cry out to God. He alone is able to meet my needs in Christ. Revival. Freedom. At last, I have come to the end of my effort to cry on the Rock that is greater than I.
Today I see that the opposite of codependence - is a very humble dependence to cry out to God for help. A beautiful surrender.
I will end with this... a piece of my story. I'm going to step into my story. Bring it out of denial. A place where graves turn to gardens.
I lived in a world of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. These patterns and trauma were born generations ago. I was surrounded by anger, addiction and codependency. Words were weapons. My screams were silenced. No one was safe. It was our normal, but I also knew it was not normal. So, I turned to alcohol to numb my pain, men to find my value, and achievement to find my worth. There are a thousand times I should have died from the result of my decisions. I have carry the heavy chains of shame from my own decisions in addition to the decisions of others toward me.
And then I met Jesus. I met forgiveness and healing. I found a way out of the dysfunction. I found hope.
I am still dealing with many struggles. I lost my dad in a tragic accident. I am caring for my mom as she ages. I worry for my children and have sometimes failed to protect them… scars hurt.
BUT GOD! God comforts me in my losses. He cares for my mom and my children. He heals me, and he heals my family. My husband and I turn to Jesus for help in our marriage. My children know they are loved by a perfect father. With God our family has broken the cycle the generational sin.
Because God is with me and fights for me… because of God and who Jesus is in my life - the I AM is resilient, He is in me, so I AM RESILIENT
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