REJECTION : Parenting

Hey friends! I want to talk to you about rejection with your kids in light of wanting to have a relationship rich life. How do you deal with it? I'm in a position of learning. 

This is HARD because rejection is INCREDIBLY PAINFUL! It's hard when I am personally rejected, and it's even harder to see my kids in pain when they have been rejected. I think it's one of the worst feelings EVER. 

Here's how Merriam-Webster defines rejection: the act of not accepting, believing, or considering something :  the state of being rejected

Harsh right? That's why we react so strongly to rejection.

EVERYONE faces rejection. 

My last epic rejection came when I was running after a job, which was dangled like a carrot in front of me, only to get a BIG FAT NO in the end. I was sprinting towards this job and a door was suddenly slammed in my face. My face felt disfigured, my knees were bloody and I was lying there thinking, "What just happened?” Then, I got up, shook it off and went a different direction. Now, I look back on that closed door with thankfulness. I am glad to be where I am, and if I got that job, there is NO WAY I'd be here right now. It hurt. It messed me up. I dusted myself off & got up.

Rejection is hard. We are not defined by rejection. It's HARD not to let rejection define us. We learn from rejection to care for our self, get up, find our grit and foundation and keep going. We can dust that BIG FAT NO off and set a goal towards the next great thing. Rejection means we are in the game. Play! Train! Press on!

That BIG FAT JOB REJECTION gave me more confidence in God. I wanted that job, and worked hard to earn it. I learned, I can run after something and God is able to completely redirect me if I'm listening. Now that I'm looking back, I like this future WAY better than that future, but I didn't know that then. My take away was, "I'm going to GO FOR IT! If it's a BIG FAT NO, I'm going to feel the door in my face and redirect." If I don't GO how will I KNOW? I have confidence if I give it my all and if it's not in God's plan, he's going to redirect me. I can trust him to say NO & believe HIS NO is good. (I know God did not audibly come down and say NO. I believe that HE is in ultimate control, so ULTIMATELY HE's got my back and my future.) 

WHAT DO WE DO WHEN OUR KIDS ARE CRUSHED BY A BIG FAT NO?

I'm not an expert on rejection, and I'm definitely not an expert parent. That's laughable. What I do know is rejection is awful, we all go through it and it's worth talking about. 

I would love to hear what you have learned about walking through rejection with your kids. 

I see my kids face rejection often. Didn't get a part in a show, didn't get accepted to that school, didn't get invited to that party, didn't get asked to the dance, didn't make the team, didn't get chosen, didn't make the grade, didn't win the date, didn't get picked. Remember Merriam-Webster's definition? Rejection: the act of not accepting, believing, or considering something :  the state of being rejected. I'm talking about times my kids were not accepted, believed in or considered. 

Here are a few things I have learned. I'm on the journey! Each time is different. I don't think there is a fail proof plan, but I think it's something we all walk through. Maybe we can help each other?

A few things I have learned about walking through rejection with my kids. 

1. DO NOT BLAME THE INSTITUTION. You need to hear me on this; my first gut reaction is to destroy the thing or person that hurt my kid or me. That is my gut reaction to the pain. Need to blow off steam? Okay, find a friend or go on a run and do it. Then, don't play the blame game. We do not know all the reasons why they were not accepted into that spot, but railing on the institution or tearing down a person will not solve your problems. DON'T BLAME. Hate breeds hate and we want to learn to take ownership of our life. Of course you don't agree with the decision, your kids is the BEST. (I mean that. Each kid has a unique gift to offer this world. They are fearfully and wonderfully made.) The fact is, the rejection came and it was not a right fit.

2. ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE SAD WITH THEM. It's sad. You don't need to fix it. You will probably be sad or mad too. That's okay. Are you feeling shame? If you are, say it. When we say, "I'm sad, mad or I feel shame." it takes the power out of it. If we say it we are less likely to let the emotions cause us to act out the emotion in unhealthy ways. Don't take your shame out on your kid. Your identity is not in what you (or your kid) do or do not get accepted to. Trying and failing can build grit and character. It can build work ethic. You don't need to beat the crap out of yourself or your kid. It just wasn't in the cards. Eat some ice cream, cry, be proud of their effort and move on. Celebrate all you did to get this far.

3. DO SOMETHING POSITIVE. Find a new goal. Get involved. Start working. Do something to be working in a positive direction towards what your kid loves. Work on your weaknesses or serve in your strengths or both. If you sit idle for too long it gets harder to get back up. Get going. (I say this as a YOU, but when relating to your kids encourage them to take a path in one of these directions. You may need to join them as they start their new goal. Do it! Help them get back up. Train with them!)

4. LOVE WELL & LINK ARMS. Remember you are connected because you love each other. The kindest thing you can do when someone is rejected is affirming him or her of your love. Think about how you would like to show up and love them in this, and do it. Life is a journey and it's not all mountaintops. There are long journeys, to high places and the best part is doing it together. LINK ARMS. LOVE WELL. Remember for a minute the last time you were rejected. What was the kindest thing someone did for you in that time? Be KIND.

5. INVITE FRIENDS IN. Find a friend who has been through this and ask for their input. Ask them how they handled this? Ask them to encourage your kid. Rally some friends in this situation with you. You don't need to go at it alone. As a matter of fact, I bet you have a friend whose kid had the same thing happen or a friend who went through that same thing. Having a ME TOO, a I GET YOU, YOU GOT THIS, THAT HAPPENED TO ME TOO from a loving friend is crazy supportive. ASK! OPEN UP AND ASK. It will bless you and your kid. 

That's all I've got for today. Just know, when you get that lump in your throat, your heart feels like it weighs a ton, your eyes are holding back tears, you are feeling hurt and mad and sad and shame..... You are not alone. 

I'd love to hear lessons you have learned while facing rejection, either personally or with your kids. Leave a comment, message me. I'd love to hear your story.

Music just has a way with us. Let this song in. Let your kids listen. It just might reach right into their soul. 

6. ROCK SOLID FOUNDATION

Keep building YOUR identity in who God says you are & theirs too. He’s got your back and your future. Read Psalm 139 as a promise. Put your name in there. Put your kids name in there. POWERFUL.

Psalm 139 English Standard Version

Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.

Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? 

And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!